Bird Bird Water

CompuDrew - My college football computer ratings

2009-10-23T13:36:00.003-05:00

Do you want to know an intelligent, passionate fan's perspective on college football? Go somewhere else. In the meantime, here is my computer rating system (my next post will be about my completely reasonable playoff proposal--even Lee Corso is appeased).

CompuDrew - Andrew Ishak's computer ratings
This rating system is based on team record, strength of schedule (SOS) and conference strength of schedule. Margin of victory is not taken into account. Measurements I threw by the wayside: team honor, perseverance, handsomeness of quarterback, if the team likes to "just win", fight song, things written on eye black.

Here's the formula: ((Winning Pct+1) multiplied by (SOS/2 +1) multiplied by (Conference SOS/8 + 1)) all divided by 0.03

(I divided it by 0.03 to make the system look like it's out of 100; it's easier to digest that way. SOS is 2/3 opponents' winning percentage and 1/3 opponents' opponents' winning percentage.)

You might be asking: How can a conference like the Mountain West have a stronger SOS than the Big 12? At this point, the Big 12 has only had 15 or so in-conference games, and has beat up on Conference USA and FCS opponents, while the MWC has actually faced just as many BCS conference teams as the Big 12 has. As the season progresses, the Big 12 SOS will strengthen quite a bit.

Look for my completely reasonable playoff proposal coming soon.

Who sings to you?

2009-10-22T17:04:00.004-05:00

Have you ever thought about who sings to you every day? When you put in your headphones, or go to a concert, who are you listening to? The person who's singing their heart out on stage...what's in their heart to begin with?

Heather and I went to see Tyrone Wells (pictured in 2007) play last night at La Zona Rosa. I've written about Tyrone before: he's a kind, talented man who is pursuing his artistic dreams without appearing to compromisw personal and spiritual relationships. In the few interactions I have had with Tyrone, including when he spent the day at my parent's house, he has been gracious, warm, and grounded to the point where you forget that this is someone who performs in front of crowds for a living (you would think that would create a complex of sorts) and whose popularity is growing every day (his music was on Grey's Anatomy and in the latest Sandra Bullock movie). It seems to me that he hasn't let a single drop of success go to his head. His shiny, shaved head.

With so much of our media consumption, we absorb what we like without considering who our consumption benefits or if the message sender is someone we should be listening to. I have no idea if Jon Stewart is a good guy who deserves my support, but I watch The Daily Show and get a percentage of my news and opinions from him. Actually, a friend who worked with Stewart said he was as kind as could be, so I feel okay, but let's say he's jerk. Would I stop watching?

The best case is that you like an artist and also know that they deserve any success that comes their way. That's Tyrone Wells. This isn't about wholesome lyrics, or touring with the Humane Society, or anything like that. It's the pleasure of knowing who he is and what he stands for that makes his music comforting to me. It's interesting how much of who we listen to is an unknown quantity.

There has to be a balance between artistic value and personal value. Support the artists that you know are good musicians as well as good people.

Yakademics - Episode 2

2009-09-30T20:23:00.003-05:00

The second episode of Yakademics is up! Check it out!

Weather It's Cold or Not! (Puns!)

2009-09-23T08:42:00.002-05:00

I have a scenario for you. You've lived in California your whole life. The weather is mild, usually warm, and you like that. You accept an invitation to attend grad school in upstate New York. August, everything's okay. September, not so bad. By October it's below 60 every day. The question: what are you wearing?
If you're my friend Dan, you push through with the flip flops and shorts, the uniform of a beach boy. It's a sign of where you came from, maybe an act of defiance. But, if you're most other people, you talk about how cold it is and you're probably wearing long johns, a parka, and an actual moose (they are warmer than elk, from my experience).

I find these two extremes entertaining, especially on a college campus. Most girls and boys (but especially the girls) bundled up today to face the approaching Austin winter. FYI, the low for today is 65 (it's 67 right now at 9 am) and the high is 79. In Ithaca I believe 65 degrees requires a burn ban.

Here in Austin, it's cold by comparison to our record-breaking summer and everyone (female) wants to break out their new fall clothing, so I am not surprised by the North Face fleeces all over the place. But on a slightly related note, here are my weather-related life improvements:

Ice Snake - Sometimes when it's really hot and I get in my car (especially when I've been on crutches), I want to put my pits right up to the AC vents. I want a funnel with a long, flexible tube that I could use to blow air up my sleeve. Oooh, I get chills just thinking about how refreshing that would be! And my shirt would be all puffy and that would look cool, too.
BagBrella - why should I have to hold my umbrella in my hands? What is this, the 20th Century? I want my backpack to have a pop-up umbrella that I can use in light wind/rain. Again, people on crutches would be very appreciative
WeathAyer - I want an iPhone program that--in addition to today's forecast--tells me the temperature yesterday. That way, I can think about what I wore yesterday and compare.
Rain Cap - People are always worried about getting their hair wet when it rains. What about a loose, thin plastic covering with an elastic band that covers your hair so that it doesn't get wet? They are TOTALLY different than shower caps, and I am selling them for 5 dollars each.

What's on your 2009 MixTape?

2009-09-15T18:45:00.003-05:00

(If you don't read the entire thing, here's my question to you: what songs are on your list for a 2009 mixtape? Please leave your answers in the comments.)

Way back in the stone age (1995), my brother used to make me sit next to the stereo with the tape deck on record/pause, just waiting for a particular song to come on the radio so he could have it on tape. I don't want to tell you what the songs were, since they might embarrass him a little, so...wait, didn't he make me sit next to a boombox for hours?

"Carnival" by Natalie Merchant
"Kiss from a Rose" by Seal
"I'll be There for You" by The Rembrandts

We might use CDs for our mixes now, but no matter what media you use, mixtapes get outdated VERY quickly. They are dominated by songs we like right now, and because of that we tend to listen to them over and over and over again. But the fun part, to me, is coming back to the mix a year later and immersing yourself in that old season.

That feeling was the impetus for a project I started with my circle of friends from college. We make mixes in December composed of songs that sum up the year for us. Some chosen songs remind people of important events (moving, a wedding, kickboxing championship), others represent a period in their year. Then, at our annual weekend trip, we talk about the songs we chose. It's a good way to share stories, keep up to date with friends, and hear new music.

Before I tell you what we compiled in 2008, I'll list my completely arbitrary process and rules:

Each person ranks up to five songs
Songs will only be used if they were released or peaked in the last 18 months
All first choices are used
All duplicates are used
Any person who gets married or has a child is allowed to choose any song, regardless of year (the Evie Rule)
2nd through 5th choices are added based on space
Up to 2 Editor's picks (special events)

Last year's list was a fun one. Brett (bld) shied away from his normal routine of listening to songs that just got old to the rest of us, picking some current charttoppers. Criss introduced us to Duffy's B sides, all the way from Kazakhstan. Coldplay and Sara Bareilles got their share of nominations. And everyone got rickrolled one last time:

(initials listed, * denotes top choice)

Coldplay - Life in Technicolor - ai*, hi*
Sara Bareilles - Love Song - hi, dp, bm
Yael Naim - New Soul - bm
Bruce Springsteen - The Wrestler - dp*
Duffy - Warwick Avenue - cn*
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours - bm, hi, bhd
Kate Perry - Hot N Cold - bld
Brandon Heath - Give me Your Eyes - ai
Los Lobos - Evangeline (1987) - hi mommy pick
Ray LaMontagne - Winter Birds - dp
Duffy - Delayed Devotions - cn
Sara Bareilles - Bottle it Up - dp, hi
Jason Castro - Hallelujah - bm*
Taylor Swift - Love Story - bhd, kc*
Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry on Their Own - bld
Coldplay - Viva la Vida - bhd*, bld*
Brandi Carlile - The Story - sm*
Stevie Ray Vaughan - Pride and Joy (1983) - ai daddy pick
Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give you Up - editor's pick rickrolled
Sara Bareilles - Many the Miles - ai, bm
Brett Dennen - San Francisco - editor's pick location

(Most of the songs are in the playlist below. Some that aren't are linked from youtube videos. But go buy the songs!)

I'll be sending out the requests in December, but in the meantime, here's my question to you: what songs are on your list for 2009? Comment, please!

Brandon Heath - Give Me Your Eyes

Los Lobos - Evangeline

Sara Bareilles - Many the Miles

Brett Dennen - San Francisco

2009-09-03T19:39:00.002-05:00

Go check out our first episode of Yakademics!

yakademics.com

Stats are for Losers?

2009-08-15T17:24:00.001-05:00

I was playing with my daughter yesterday with the TV on in the background. I wasn't really paying attention to the screen. Hungry for college football content, I had TiVoed a Texas Longhorns Season Preview on Fox Sports Southwest. They had interviews with coaches mixed with footage of the 2008 season, so I was kind of paying attention when I heard head coach Mack Brown say "stats are for losers."

Yeah, LOSERS with their stupid stats. Losers are always whining about numbers as Sean Connery says in the edited-for-television version of The Rock: "Winners go home and date the prom queen."

My first though was: "stats are for losers" in what context? So I skipped backward to hear more. During the Longhorns' national championship season in 2005, Brown and his coaching staff told Vince Young--a major running threat--to not pass the line of scrimmage at certain times. They wanted him to use his arm, much like they want Colt McCoy to do now. But your quarterback is probably worried about his rushing stats, right?

"We do not care about stats. Stats are for losers. We care about winning the game."

Ah, okay, so it's not that he doesn't care for stats, it's that winning comes first. That's fine. I can see where he is coming from.

I love looking at stats, and I have a good memory when it comes to numbers, so I spend a lot of time thinking quantitatively about life. For instance, I remember that I was a disappointing 12 for 23 in slow-pitch softball this spring, but had 8 hits in 10 at bats in a summer tournament. I played catch with my daughter yesterday and she used her left hand to throw about two-thirds of the time (she is stronger with the left but has more control with the right). I have spent 5 of 11 weekends this summer outside of Texas. Stats help give me a more objective view at what has happened in my life. I have made a baby with 100% of my spouses.

Stats comprise knowledge. They guide our reasoning, and we use them to make decisions, and I believe that to be true for anyone from the highest levels of professional sports to the most successful businesspeople to me trying to improve my free throw percentage in a church league. To take the phrase "stats are for losers" at its face means that only losers use that knowledge.

I don't think Coach Brown meant it like that. I don't make 3.8 million dollars a year (with an additional 1.2 million dollar incentive for still being coach on January 15, 2010), but I do respect Coach Brown greatly so I am going to assume he meant one of two things. Either stats are a way to comfort losers after a loss, or stats are for losers given certain conditions. I will expand on the latter explanation.

Stats are for losers if their statistical goals get in the way of winning. The classic example of the conflict this can cause comes from incentivized salaries in team sports. Suppose Derek Jeter gets a million dollar bonus for ending the season with a .300 batting average or better (3 hits for every 10 at bats). Going into the last game of the season, he has a .300 batting average, having 180 hits in 600 at bats. The opposing pitcher for the game is Scott Kazmir, who Jeter is 4 for 33 (.121) against lifetime. Should Jeter play? If his statistical goal (and the bonus) is most important to him, then most people would say he shouldn't play because he is likely to dip below .300. Of course, Jeter would never do this for a multitude of reasons: he would incur the fans' and media's wrath for one, and Jeter seems like the kind of guy who is confident enough to believe he can get 1 hit in 3 at bats on the last day of the season. But might he be more inclined to look for a walk or sacrifice bunt, two outcomes that do not affect batting average?

Stats are for losers if context and variables are not taken into account. Let's say you move to a new city for a job. Your first few days at work, it has taken you an average of 45 to 60 minutes to get to your desk. So how long will it take you today? Before I even finish asking that question, you have probably processed three or four variables: day of the week, time of day, route, and parking (and, if you work at UT, how willing you are to risk a parking ticket). So let's look at those variables. It's Saturday, it's early afternoon, you'll take the same route, and parking should be easier because less people work on the weekends. But your job is in San Francisco and the Giants are playing an afternoon game. Those variables matter, because now it will take you 75 to 90 minutes. If you just looked at previous stats without thinking about the variables of this event, you would be banging your head against your steering wheel around the time you hit King Street.

This is my biggest frustration with using the points-per-game statistic, both on the individual and team level. Let's say a team leads their league in scoring per game. That's great, but you have to ask two contextual questions. First, who have they played? The opposing team is obviously a huge variable. UC Davis football almost led the country in scoring in 2000 but they were playing Division II teams almost exclusively; did they have a better offense than every Division I team? Second, what is their defense like? The Golden State Warriors were 2nd in the NBA in scoring this past season but it's partially because of a subpar defense that doesn't slow the other team down, therefore giving their own offense more chances and time to score. Points-per-game is a stat without context, which is why I prefer points-per-possession to evaluate teams.

Stats are for losers if they eliminate experience from the decision-making process.* The interesting thing about people who claim to hate stats is that they use them all the time, except they call it "experience" or "gut instinct." When a football coach decides on a running play on 3rd and 5 instead of a pass play, he is doing it for one of a multitude of reasons, but the reason will be based on the X times out of Y that he has seen it work in the past. Coach Brown didn't want Vince Young to run for first downs during particular games because...well, I don't know the reason, but it was probably something like: "Most of the time when we tell Vince it's okay to run, he doesn't look downfield" or "When Vince runs for first downs, he usually tires out too early" or "We are trying to teach Vince to be a better passer" because Coach Brown and his staff know that championship teams almost always have good passers. "Most of the time", "usually", and "almost always" are statistics. They are not precise, but they are statistics in a general form.

And this is why experience matters: we just don't know the numbers. I don't know what Heather wants for dinner tonight, but if I were to have kept stats during the course of our marriage, I would find that she almost always wants to eat out on Saturdays, and she wants Mexican, Thai, or Vietnamese--stats that I technically could have kept but didn't. But who knows how she is feeling today? Maybe when she is tired she tends towards one cuisine or the other. There are an infinite number of variables, some of which we just don't have the tools to measure yet, so we use our own past to fill the gaps. Experience is a substitute for unknown--or unknowable--data.

***

I'm already interested to see how the Longhorns season plays out: I'm a big fan, this should be a great season, and I have students on the team. But now I have another reason: Erin Andrews' halftime interviews with Coach Brown. "Coach Brown, your #1-ranked offense had two turnovers in the first half. How does that stat affect you?" "Erin, you know that as a coach I hate turnovers but I also think stats are for losers. So I think what you mean is: 'Our real good guys had a couple'a whoopsies in the early part goin' on.'"

See? He's still using stats, and I still love Coach Brown.

*Let me say that I don't think experience is not more important than statistical data. The biggest problem with using our own past experiences to understand future events is that we tend to rely only on our own experience. I'll give a personal example. I hurt my ankle a few weeks ago in California and wasn't planning on going to the doctor. See, I hurt my ankle once before doing the exact same thing I was doing this time, and two days later it felt fine, so why go to the doctor now? The problem was that I was relying on my own experience, which is a tiny sample size (n=1), and my own orientation towards getting professional medical help, which I would describe as "reluctant until bleeding".

I neglected two things. First, if I looked at the larger sample size of everyone (and not just experience with my own body), I would have realized that most people who cannot walk on their ankle because of the pain need to seek medical attention. I put my own experience ahead of worldwide medical statistics. Second, I used an experience from when I was younger, neglecting this annoying trend of aging one year for every year that I live. I was 23 when I hurt myself the first time, but now I'm 26. Maybe that's not a big difference, but I'm at the age now where my friends are starting to wear knee braces when we play basketball. The trend of aging probably played into the damage to my ankle this time. This is a very simple example that anyone can follow without a spreadsheet, but it's hard to pull out more complex trends without stats.

Aunt Tika, Queen of the Kitchen

2009-06-17T14:54:00.004-05:00

There's an old joke about a guy who dies and visits his friend on Earth: "Hey, good news!" he says. "They have baseball in heaven! The bad news is you're pitching for our team tomorrow ."

Does anyone else think Aunt Tika is cooking for the angels right now?

My Aunt Tika passed on Monday morning, and before you feel sad for my family you have to realize that this is a wonderful occasion. A woman who has spent her entire life devoted to her church and her family has accomplished a goal of Christianity. She lived a life of preparation for her union with our Lord Jesus Christ, as well as her reunion with her husband, Maher, who passed on a few years ago.

I could spend time writing about Tunt Tika's devotion to the church. I could write about her service to her family, like when she would shuttle back and forth between Egypt and California to take care of both her husband and her children (and grandchildren). I could tell you about her love for the kitchen. Here's one story: over the last few years, in the middle of each week, she would make enough food for my dad to last through the weekend, and she did it because my dad loved the cuisine that he grew up on in Cairo. I would get home from work and our fridge would have party-size containers full of fried cauliflower, beef stew, peas, carrots, and my dad's favorite, liver. Understand that she also cooked for herself and three of her kids scattered throughout the Bay Area. She has always been like that. When we visited her in Egypt, she would spend all morning making FEASTS for us, and then start cooking again after lunch. Amazing food. No one topped her in terms of quality AND quantity.

But I'm not a writer so I made a video instead in her memory. I hope you enjoy it.

Pray for us, Tunt Tika!

Watch all 5 PCAL Commercials

2009-05-11T18:08:00.000-05:00

It's almost PCAL time

2009-05-11T11:10:00.000-05:00

Yum

2009-04-16T15:57:00.002-05:00

Annual Easter tradition (we celebrate this Sunday):

3:56:57 PM Andrew: bro
3:57:03 PM Andrew: what are wrapping in bacon this year
3:57:16 PM Andrew: turkey and havarti was good
3:57:19 PM Nader: Evie

Opening Day

2009-04-07T01:11:00.004-05:00

Much has been written about the joy and optimism that comes with Major League Baseball's Opening Day every season, so I'll just say that going to, listening to, watching, hearing about, thinking about, playing in, remembering, or reading about any baseball game still makes me feel like a kid.

Blake and I drove to Houston for the Astros opener against the Cubs (this is the only time I'll ever write about skipping work because it seems like Opening Day is the only socially acceptable reason to play hooky). It was fun.

As for the rest of the season: LET'S go OAK-land! (bum bum bumbumbum)

Like Father Like Daughter

2009-04-04T23:22:00.002-05:00

Q & A with the Brain behind the World's Greatest Invention

2009-03-29T14:07:00.004-05:00

Okay, it's me. I'm the brain behind the world's greatest invention. Don't get me wrong: the car, the telephone, the Slap Chop...all great. But nothing will change the way you live your life like what I'm about to present to you: Nupperware.

Q: What is Nupperware?
A: Nupperware is a decorative plastic food container designed to reduce waste at social gatherings. "Nupperware" is a portmanteau of "nuptials" and the name of a certain brand of container.

Q: How does it work?
A: Simple. The host of a social gathering--let's take a wedding for example--provides nupperware for each guest. Let's say you can't finish your vegetables: put them in your nupperware. The guy next to you doesn't show up: put his salad in the nupperware. A whole block of cheese left on the hors d'ouevres table: nupperware. Now, the food doesn't get thrown in the garbage, and each guest is reminded of the generosity of the host the next day for lunch.

Q: Won't that take away from the elegance of the event?
A: Oh, I am unaware it is considered elegant to waste food, especially in trying economic times like these! You should be ashamed of yourself. You know what's truly elegant? Efficiency and resourcefulness.

Q: Sorry, I wasn't trying to say that--
A: No, I know exactly what you were trying to say! You Americans and your wastefulness.

Q: Aren't you American?
A: Yes. It's the greatest country on earth. And if you are really worried about elegance, nupperwares come with decorative ribbon and a satin finish.

Q: Moving on...where did this idea come from?
A: Pretty much every wedding I've ever been to. I have seen way too many half-eaten chicken cordon bleus taken back to the kitchen to know that probably half the food prepared for a wedding ends up in the dumpster. I went to retirement party last night, and there had to have been 40 meals worth of finger foods on the tabel when the party ended. Think about how much better my life would be if I was eating a lunch of bruschetta, mushroom turnovers, and brie.

Q: Might this idea of taking home food make the guests fight over the best stuff?
A: Glad you asked. This is where one of the best new wedding traditions comes in. Much like the bouquet toss by the bride and the garter toss by the groom, the nupperware toss will now be conducted by the caterer. He'll take the best leftovers--the bacon-wrapped lobster bites, the bacon-wrapped shrimp, the bacon-wrapped mushrooms...basically anything wrapped in bacon--and put them in the gold nupperware box. Then he'll throw it at a throng of the hungriest guests.

Q: Weddings are already expensive. Now the father of the bride has to pay for nupperware for each guest?
A: Good point. Nupperware containers cost about the same as wedding favors, and they are a lot more useful. So if you are planning on giving each of your guests a letter opener with your names on it, or a statuette of a baby with wings, or a bag of the hardest almonds in the world, maybe think about replacing that with a beautiful piece of nupperware. They'll remember you each time they have to take a casserole somewhere.

Q: Last question: What is the greatest feature of nupperware?
A: Nupperware shows your guests that you don't just care about them today; you care about your guests as long as it takes them to finish half a steak, 4 baby carrots, one and a half dinner rolls, and two extra pieces of wedding cake.

Sara Bareilles is cool

2009-03-25T00:43:00.002-05:00

The One That Tries to Be Critical Without Sounding Like a Whiner By Hiding Behind Humor

2009-03-17T10:21:00.007-05:00

(made especially for grad students)

Let's talk about soup (I know what you're thinking: way too exciting for a Tuesday! If that's the case, just think about hot water with salt. Okay, now back to soup). If you are like most people (read: not Spanish), you like to eat/drink your soup at a reasonable temperature. Soup often starts out too hot, then is enjoyable for a few spoonfuls, then is cooler than you want it to be. Believe it or not, soup is just like every personal-information internet meme every created.

Imagine it's 2002 and your friend sends you an "electronic piece of mail", which our culture, in its colloquial wisdom, has shortened to "e-mail", if you are familiar with that slang. So you go to your "webmail" on your "e-computer" and find that your friend has sent you a quiz. Oh and in your good fortune, they have filled it out with their answers:

2) What's on your mousepad?
my mouse hehe

4) What is your favorite place in the world?
hawaiiii its so beautiful there i wish i could live there

7) Bran muffin or Fiber One bar?
OMG bran muffin cuz fiber bars dont existt yet

10) Been to the doctor in the last 30 days?
LOL yeah i have some sort of contagious rash on my fingertips

11) Where are you now?
using dan's computer

These are sometimes annoying when they are first sent (because you think: "why do I want this"), but when a good number of people get involved, you might look forward to it. Then a couple of days later you get sick of them.

Now I want to say something quickly here: I have done many self-indulgent things in my life. I have sent quizzes, I talk about my self a lot, and I made a movie starring me as "me". So what I can hope for is that if you send a quiz or 25 random things or whatever, make it useful.

And now we have the Facebook Yearbook picture tagfest using Mr. Mann characters:

The way it works is you put this picture on Facebook and label your friends as "The One that's Always Hungry" or "The Loud One" or "The One that Got Arrested For Murder" (I'm two of three, and I want you to guess).

To each his own. If people enjoy it, that's fine. Unfortunately, I can't delete updates and comments on Facebook fast enough, so I have made a new one for everyone to upload:
Or maybe you could semi-personalize it, like this one I made for grad school, with help from William Cannon Winslow (click for higher resolution):

Someone upload that and tag it. And if the nicest person in your department isn't named Adria then too bad.

Blog now on andrewishak.com

2009-03-16T16:39:00.001-05:00

Did you know andrewishak.com won a Webby in 1967? It's true.

Fasting in the Coptic Church starts early

2009-03-09T08:36:00.002-05:00

Today's Game is like the Super Bowl of Professional Football

2009-02-01T16:33:00.002-06:00

If you are hosting a Super Bowl party today, I have gone ahead and made you a checklist of requirements for your event:

1. The most important requirement is a large TV. Giant, wall-sized TVs are preferred, HDTVs are a must. If you have to ask what HD is, give up your hosting duties now.

Best case: Giant HD projector with surround sound
Worst case: wood-panel TV

2. Second most important requirement is good company. Your company is only as good as its weakest link. For example, no loudmouths who talk during the commercials or spend the entire game talking about why football is lame. It's good to have fans on either side, but its also sweet to watch the game with a home crowd (the Niners are horrible, by the way. I haven't been in a home crowd for an SB since 95.)

Best case: All friends and family that you enjoy
Worst case: The guy who offers commentary on every advertisement and play. Yeah you're right, frogs have nothing to do with beer. GO HOME.

3. Third most important requirement is variety and deliciousness of food. Look, don't bring that weak stuff in here; this is not just some football game. This game represents the culmination of everyone's best new finger foods, appetizers, and desserts. You went to like 5 game-watching parties in the last year. Have you learned nothing!? You told me how great the bacon pesto havarti purses were or whatever they're called, just make sure there's cheese in it and make enough for me and 25 others. Also, pizza is a fine choice, but only good pizza. You know the Domino's guy is delivering like 5-5-5-5-5-5 pizzas before he gets to your house, so enjoy the baked in cardboard goodness.

Best case: lots of tasty things with cheese in them
Worst case: Pizza Hut; anything that requires utensils

4. Last but not least, comfortable seats make the difference. I cannot and will not watch a game on the floor sitting cross-legged. I can't do it. I have so much extra weight on the front of my body that sitting on the floor upright with no back support makes my stomach feel like its trying to close a stuffed suitcase on a return flight from someplace with lots of souvenirs. And those souvenirs in this case are called chicken wings. When we get a larger place, I'm getting a recliner solely for the purpose of watching the Super Bowl.

Best case: Recliners, couches
Worst case: sitting on the hardwood floor, looking at a TV mounted 7 feet in the air.

There you have it. Enjoy your Super Bowl OR use this checklist to complain. Your call.

You don't have to go home but GET OUT NOW

2009-01-23T18:07:00.005-06:00

Something happened to me today. Usually, when this something happens, one might say: "hey, I guess I'm just a young, dumb college student!" The difference for me is that today this something made me realize the opposite: "hey, I'm no longer a young, dumb college student--I'm getting older (still dumb and in college though)." This something happened to me for the first time in my life.

Today I got kicked out of a bar.

The Communication Studies department at UT has a Friday happy hour every so often. This particular day, the happy hour was set for Little Woodrow's, a relatively quiet bar just north of campus. They have a nice patio, and at 5 pm a truck from Wahoo's Fish Tacos parks itself behind the bar and serves up some tasty food. So 5 pm seemed like a good time for us to go.

We walk in around 5, and the bartender immediately makes eye contact with me. Maybe the bartender thinks I'm cute, maybe he doesn't, I don't know. Regardless, he cuts us off just before we get out to the patio, where I can peek through the open door and see that the Comm Studies group is sitting there, having a pleasant time on a pleasant day (it's 80 degrees in January, so that helps).

"Sorry, it's over 21 only."

"Um, what?"

"Sorry, it's company policy, no one under 21."

At this point I realize he's not telling my wife that she looks young (she does look under 21 on many days). Instead, he's talking about Evie. A baby. Apparently a baby cannot sit on the patio at 5 pm, as it is some sort of risk to the company. Because she might accidentally pick up a pint of Shiner and mistake it for a bottle of Enfamil. OH WAIT SHE'S AN INFANT AND CAN'T EVEN PICK UP HER OWN HEAD.

In some sense it's logical. Babies are like really really drunk people: they always want another drink, they are really bad drivers, and they pee all over everything. Also, they call their ex-girlfriends and apologize for breaking up sophomore year.

Here's hoping that Evie never gets kicked out of a bar again!

Hmm, no questions about what it's like to raise a child prodigy?

2008-12-02T21:25:00.004-06:00

My dad was interviewed recently about innovation. Enjoy.

I Know Everything There is to Know About Fatherhood

2008-11-26T17:16:00.002-06:00

I don't want to be too blunt here but after a month of being a father, I know everything there is to know about fatherhood. Look, it's quite simple. People will tell you all these things, and the so-called experts will write books and articles, but here it is in 250 words:

1) Getting peace and quiet
Anytime you want to not hear your baby crying, you have a few options:

Feed the baby
Change the baby's diaper
Wrap the baby up like a burrito
Put the baby far enough away from you that you cannot hear her cry

2) How to feed the baby
It's really important that the baby gets the right nutrients, so if you can breastfeed, then do it. One difficult thing for me is that I am a male, so my body does not product the amount of prolactin necessary for breastfeeding. Trust me, I'd do it otherwise. So barring any major medical advancements in the short-term future, as a man, here's what you can do:

hand the baby to your wife

3) Sleeping through the night
My brother had a daughter about four months before we did, and he complained about how little sleep he was getting. "The sleep, just wait, you won't get any sleep, she'll keep you from sleeping, no sleep, I'm so tired." That was not a direct quote from my brother but it might as well have been because...well, because he wasn't getting any sleep.
Well let me tell you something: he was wrong. Not only have I slept over 8 hours a night, my wife is apparently sleeping so well that she will sleep for up to 6 hours after I get up. She'll get up and say: "I'm so tired" and I say: "well maybe it's because you slept too much, sweetie!" She generally does not respond to that, which I guess means...I'm right?

4) Changing diapers
I can't stress this enough: toilet paper wasn't invented until the 1850s, and people were having babies way before then (since the 1500s). Changing diapers is a myth started by Pampers to increase sales, much in the same way that all the motor oil companies say to change your oil every 3,000 miles, or dairies will put an expiration date on milk. Look, I got my masters in advertising--you can trust me, it's all a big scam.

5) Making baby smarter
People tend to do this thing with newborns where they coddle them and treat them like they have to take really small steps and not force anything. In short, people tend to baby their newborns. Don't ask me why.
Let me ask a rhetorical hypothetical mythological question: If a baby pegasus walked up to you and said: "teach me everything you know", wouldn't you start with cumulative prospect theory? You have to challenge their minds while they are still expanding. They have all this stuff like Music for Babies and Baby Toys. If you had a ninth-grader, would you rather have him or her take ninth-grade English or tenth-grade English? Which begs the question: why not eleventh-grade English? Which begs the question: why not Spanish? Which begs the question: why not Esperanto? Which begs the question: why are we teaching people to use the archaic method of verbal communication? I'll tell you why: it's the diaper, motor oil, and dairy industries teaming up for profit.
Push your baby to learn. We watch SportsCenter every night and if she could talk, our daughter would explain the BCS to you in under 60 seconds. Her first toy was a Rubiks Cube. Her second toy was my HP 48G graphing calculator. Her third toy will be a box (she'll learn geometry).

So if I can conclude with one thought, it would be this: fatherhood is a breeze, just make sure you have enough batteries for your graphing calcuator.

There is no reason to post this Prince album cover

2008-10-24T00:14:00.002-05:00

Tip from Hayes, the biggest Prince fan ever.

An Open Letter to my Soon-to-be-Daughter

2008-10-20T23:22:00.008-05:00

"Your Time has Come" by Andrew Ishak

Dear soon-to-be-daughter,

I am so excited to meet you! Mommy and I have been thinking about you for nine months, and we just can't wait to hold you and kiss you and love you! :) Today is Mommy's due date, which means that you were supposed to come out today and warm our hearts with your presence, but since you didn't come out, I guess that means you are already exercising your super cute rebellious spirit! :O I guess you get that from Daddy. But, My Little Princess, if there is one thing I could say to you today, it would be this:

Get out of my wife.

Seriously, this is ridiculous. The woman has given you shelter inside of her body for three quarters of a year, and the way you repay her is by...staying in there. Real classy. Do you think this is how it's going to be for the rest of your life? You think you'll be able to just hang out and do whatever you want, whenever you want? That's not how life is. Most children, by age 2, are working at least 20 hours a week. Look it up on Wikipedia. If I'm lucky you'll work 32 hours and you'll get health benefits.

But the fact is that you're not getting a jump on the rat race. You're just hanging out, doing nothing, not making any money...where did you learn that from? Have you been listening to "The Hills" through your mom's belly button? Don't end up like LC or one of the other girls on that show; their lifestyles may look fun but nothing is more fun than working hard every day, coming home, and getting ready for work. See how much fun you have to look forward to? So get out of there already!

Nothing's worse than when someone overstays their welcome. It's like a terrible Owen Wilson movie, except you're doing it in real life. Please, don't be like Owen Wilson. You know who else overstayed their welcome? Dinosaurs. And look what happened to them.

Please, don't be a dinosaur/Owen Wilson. Come out. I luv u! :^/

"Are You Kidding Me?", by unborn baby

Hey Dad, I appreciate the letter, and I appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule reading about college football to write. So I guess I'd like to respond with what I think is a reasonable question:

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME!?

Have you ever been in one of these things? It's warm. It's low-gravity. I don't have to chew. This is it, life won't get any better from this point on! This is the pinnacle of comfort! I'm gonna come out, some dude's gonna slap my bottom, it's gonna be cold warm cold warm cold warm, I'm gonna get soiled diapers, etcetera and so on. Would YOU come out? I mean I guess what I'm asking is

ARE YOU FREAKIN' SERIOUS DAD!?

Okay, I get it, Mom's tired and I have been here for a long time and blah blah blah ok I get it. Let me tell you something: I didn't ask for this. This was completely your doing (don't even try to blame Mom) and frankly I think I should have a little say in what goes on in my life. I keep hearing: "Well, the induce date is the 29th, so she'll be out by then." So to that I say NEGATIVE GHOSTRIDER. I'll come out when I feel like it. This is a free country.

But let me go back to my original question for a minute: really, have you been in a situation like this? I mean you have to be able to relate to me. What's that? You can't relate? Well I know you've been somewhere like this, it's called YOUR MOM'S UTERUS. Don't act like you wouldn't have stayed in a semi-conscious, Matrix-like state for the rest of your life if you got the chance. I know your due date was Christmas, you were 6 days late, and then you were induced--don't act like I don't know. I got the internet in here on my eyelids; that's what happens when you install Wifi all over the condo and Mom practically balances the laptop on my face 3 hours a night. Yeah that's right I have internet on my eyelids. I have everything I need in here and I'll SEE YOU IN NOVEMBER, SUCKAS.

Gotta go, I have to update my 401K on E-Trade.

Thanks Mom and Dad

2008-10-08T23:01:00.007-05:00

When I was in fourth grade I got suspended from elementary school for the second time. I wasn't a bad kid necessarily, I just didn't like to sit still. I hid from my mom in a fabric store when I was five. I would run from room to room during commercials while we would watch television. I got stitches in my forehead twice. I wasn't easy to deal with when I was young.

I never took advantage of the gifts my parents gave me as a child. I wouldn't pay attention in school, I would often forget to apply for scholarships and awards, and, although I was always very grateful for having a sweet Toyota Previa van at 16, being able to have college paid for, and getting all the other perks of have parents who made a decent living for themselves, I didn't show it as often as I could have.

I was a stinky kid. I remember playing football after church and then getting in the car with my brother and his friend Anthony. They couldn't handle how bad I smelled; of course, they were deodorant wearing junior high kids at that point, but I was just the stinky 10 year old. I won't even talk about my personal hygiene issues as a kindergartner. For the record, I shower 2-3 times a day now. But I was still a stinky kid.

I used to lie a lot, especially to my parents. When I was very young I would lie about things that were inconsequential, like telling my dad we played football during P.E. instead of the fact that we played steal the bacon. I lied a lot in high school about having finished my school work. I lied in college about not having a girlfriend. Okay that last one is not my fault, my parents were a little crazy about their "no dating until marriage" rule.

But I think I may have made them a little more crazy than they wanted to be. I argued with my dad and yelled at my mom constantly. I complained about my mom's cooking and told my dad he was being a Nazi. I got mad at my dad for never being sympathetic and at my mom for never being reasonable. I never got a summer job in high school; instead, I played baseball the whole time. You may think that has nothing to do with my parents but there's nothing Egyptians value less than baseball.

And let's be honest: I don't remember all the nights I kept them up when I was crying as a baby (although I hear I was pretty darn good). I don't remember all the poopy diapers they changed. I have no recollection of wreaking havoc on my mom from the inside for nine months.

At my college graduation party four years ago, my friend Dan said to my dad: "So Mr. Ishak, you must be proud of your son for getting into grad school." My dad's immediate response was "No." Oh yeah, forgot to mention: I used to get upset at my dad for being a jerk, until I realized he was actually being funny. One of the greatest gifts my parents have given me is the perspective to not take anything too seriously or too lightly.

So I'll remember that as we approach the due date for our little Fetus. My parents made me and took care of me and have given me more than I deserve, and if I can do a fraction of what they did for me, our little baby will turn out to be alright.

Thanks Mom and Dad. I love you both and I'll never be able to say thank you enough. I love you more than the DeLorean I wanted when I was 16.