I Learned This at Last Year's Southpaw Pride Parade

Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you:

I'm left-handed.According to this New York Magazine article gays are more likely to be left-handed or ambidextrous than their straight counterparts. That puts them in the same category as athletes, people who die in machinery accidents, and members of Mensa. Hey I'm basically three out of four!

What Would Jesus Drive?

Today, The Vatican released its 10 Commandments for Drivers. The Vatican's office for migrants and itinerant people also urged motorists to "obey traffic regulations, drive with a moral sense, and pray when behind the wheel." Here's a sample of a few of the commandments:

1. You shall not kill.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
10. Feel responsible towards others.

Unfortunately, they forgot a few:

11. The bass line of "This is Why I'm Hot" coming from your stereo does not sound as good as you think it does. Please keep your music inside your car.
12. See that big car with the flashy lights and the siren? That's an ambulance. It's going to take people who are almost dead to the hospital so they can be less dead. Pull over and let it go where it needs to go.
13. It says "STOP" on those octagonal red signs. It's not really that complicated. It involves your car coming to a stop. If they wanted you to yield, it would say "YIELD." If it wanted you to dance it would say "HARUJUKU LOVERS."
14. For pedestrians: We understand the need to cross traffic at many points along the road. But please, remember one thing: you are lazily sauntering across a road designed for 3000-pound metal boxes that go very fast in a perpendicular vector to the path in which you are traveling. So... Run You Stupid F'ing Pedestrians, Run!

K.I.T. Have a Good Summer!

That's "Keep In Touch, Have a Good Summer" if no one's ever signed your junior high yearbook before. Maybe you already knew that, but think about what "Keep in Touch" means. Many people use it as a throwaway line when they know they won't see someone in a while, much like the way we use "Have a Safe Flight" before someone takes a trip.

Regardless of what "Keep in Touch" means to you, there is no doubt that the methods of keeping in touch with a friend have increased dramatically in the last 10 years due to the internet and social networking and cell phones and all that fancy stuff that Al Gore invented. Because of this, I argue that the amount of legitimate excuses for not keeping in touch has run on an asymptotic path during the last decade (non math majors: it's pretty much close to zero now).

I spent some time today with my good friend Kim, and I am sometimes amazed that we have kept in touch as well as we do. After being decent enough friends in high school, Kim and I have seen each other only 5 times in the last 7 years (she lived in Washington and Turkey and I lived in California and Texas), yet we make sure to make semi-regular phone calls to each other, calls that have become as frequent as bi-weekly as our cell phone plans have become a little better. (Here's a photo album from Kim's visit to Davis in 2003.)

The reason Kim was in the area is because she is heading back to Turkey again this week to be closer to her boyfriend, who is in the midst of a PhD program there. Kim and I were talking today in the car about how we can still maintain regular contact without using expensive international cell phone services. Well, even though she is living in the wood age (she has 4 MySpace friends), we came up with a bunch of alternatives, including Skype, instant messaging, e-mail (which we used when she was in Turkey the first time), and messaging on Facebook. I'm trying to get Kim to change to G-mail so we can catch each other on G-chat while checking e-mail once in a while. Pretty simple, right?

Back to "Keep in Touch". I'm looking at my junior high yearbook and literally 75% of girls wrote either "K.I.T." or "Andrew you are weird." I am completely not joking about this. And speaking of junior high, there were pretty much only three widespread, convenient ways to keep in touch in the mid-90s. You could a) call someone on their house phone, b) send them a postal letter or note, or c) talk face-to-face. Remember the days when you would call your friend at their house and say: "Hi is Indupreet home?" and Indupreet's mom would respond: "Sorry, Indupreet is at SAT class, do you have a message for him?"

But of course, Indupreet wouldn't always call me back right after SAT class because sometimes his mom didn't even relay the message. Really, if you wanted to contact Indupreet, or let's say Sandeep or Chittij (I had a lot of Indian friends growing up), the most efficient way was sometimes PHYSICALLY GOING TO THEIR HOME AND TALKING TO THEM. It's a novel idea, I know; once in a while I even got invited inside for some palak paneer and a game of Contra.

And I'm telling you this because: we live in 2007 and there is no excuse for not keeping in touch with people who you want to keep in touch with. There are so many strong options for doing so that you would have to be actively negligent of a relationship to not keep in contact with someone.

And I will say this flat out: if someone does not keep in contact with you, it means they do not want to keep in contact. Period. Dot. Small round subscript punctuation mark. It's too damn easy to communicate now for someone to claim that they have been too busy to reach you. We have cell phones, e-mail, and social networking, and despite how fashionable it is to complain about your cell phone provider, they are all very reliable methods of communication. Most of the time, "I have been too busy" either means "I wasn't that interested in contacting you right now" or "I forgot." I forget a lot, and I'll tell you when I do. But I hope that I have never been too busy to call a good friend back or send a quick e-mail. You know e-mails are free, right?

So today I salute people like Kim who still keep in touch because she obviously thinks that I am a person worth keeping in touch with, and that's worth at least a salute in this widely-read blog that has a readership of 11 people in over 2 countries. So keep in touch and have a good summer, hope we don't get Mr. Lattuada for math next year, peace sign, happy face, home phone number, Andrew.

Or Just Say You Gotta Blast a Dookie

I'd like to think I'm a pretty helpful person, and I hope that we can all benefit from my personal experiences from time to time. Take last Thursday for example: I had back-to-back meetings at work, but I had to use the restroom as the first meeting was wrapping up. How would one appropriately excuse him or herself in a situation like this? Easy, really. Just fill in this sentence:

I have to _______ before the next meeting.

Your choices are:

• create some worklogs
• streamline the back-end
• synergize channel flow
  
• check on my deliverables
• get the numbers out (numbers 1 and 2 at least)
• optimize legacy portals
• recontextualize integrated content
  
• visit corpoorate

You're welcome.

She Played Wide Receiver for the Argonauts, Right?

SportsCenter just led off their afternoon edition with news about Paris Hilton.

SPORTSCENTER.

I Have Just Enough Bandwidth to Dunk on your Face

I think this sequel will make more than the original, just based on its credentials.

Extreme Normalcy, Brah!

Hey, what's the best way to make people think you're interesting? Maybe do interesting things? Have something interesting to say? Use the word "interesting" when describing yourself? What if you use "interesting" in five straight questions?

No, I have a better idea: tell everyone how extreme your everyday situations are. Next time you get less than 8 hours of sleep, let me know about it; it's so interesting, right? Or when you sit in traffic on the way to my house, tell me how crazy traffic was. Was it the craziest traffic ever!? Really!? Exciting! Extreme Sitting in Traffic! SITLMAO!

Hey remember in college when you studied soooo much for that test? You couldn't even take a break to eat lunch! Because you were studying so much! Make sure to tell that story next time we get together so that we will all be aware of how unique you are. I never studied, not even for a second! And I totally baced that test (it's like acing a test but getting a B)! Look at the both of us: we both totally beat the system in our own unique way.

But wait. What if, say, you eat so much--but you're so skinny!--that you were about to burst at the seams, like that dude in the old Kirby GameBoy commercial? What if it's just not enough to tell me that you "ate a lot of food"?

Use the phrase "you don't understand." As in, "No, you don't understand, I eat so much, it's ridiculous. You Don't Understand, Andrew."

You're right. I don't understand--I cannot comprehend the idea of eating a lot, as I am not like you, but rather a casing of organic material wrapped around a hyperalloy endoskeleton, sent from the future to protect a rebellious child and his mother. I have so many questions. Why do you cry?

(On a side note, I'm noticing that it's only small guys, really small girls, and big guys who talk about how much they eat. I've never met a girl on the thicker side who boasts about her eating abilities. Except me.)

My friend Taryn tells me about her friend who exaggerates everything so negatively that she doesn't value any of his complaints anymore. It's like the boy who cried wolf, but in this case the wolf is how you much you just paid for gas and no one really cares.

But seriously, I just paid like 60 bucks for gas. No, seriously. Forget it, you don't understand.

The Ten Best John Mayer Songs Ever Written Ever of All Time

(If you're reading this on facebook, please read this same article on Andrew's page so you can enjoy the embedded YouTube clips. Thanks!)

The last time I went to a concert in downtown San Jose was 12 years ago. I saw Yanni perform his fantastically over-the-top brand of new age music at the San Jose Arena, and frankly it was wonderful. I was 12 years old, I wore the only button-up shirt I owned at the time, and my church group and I enjoyed some of the Greek Dennis Eckersley’s greatest compositions. I especially enjoyed his entrance, when he came out from behind a cloud of fog, arms outstretched, dressed in all white, taking in all the adoration usually reserved for real heroes, like Celine Dion. Anyway, then he beat his wife. Terrible.

After 12 years, I’m going back to HP Pavilion (that’s what they call the Arena now) to see and hear John Mayer. If I was excited as a little schoolgirl for Yanni, it’s safe to say that I am as excited as a very large, heavyset, obese schoolgirl for this concert. What I mean is: John Mayer>Yanni (that’s math, by the way).

So to mark this great occasion, I present the 10 best John Mayer songs ever. The only criteria are that each song must have a high VORS ("value over replacement song", meaning that no other song could take its place) and the music and lyrics must both be strong.

#. Song, Album

10. Who Did You Think I Was, Try!
This is one of the few John Mayer songs that can fight its way into my Workout playlist. It’s kind of a throwback to me musically, which is the case with a lot of the John Mayer Trio stuff, and it’s about being a “New You” of sorts, so it’s motivating that way.



9. Bigger Than My Body, Heavier Things
If I remember correctly, this was Mayer’s first single on electric guitar, and when I first heard it I thought—as I do now—that it was pretty exciting. The song’s a little arrogant, sure, but a lot of us can relate to the main idea of the song.



8. Waiting on the World to Change, Continuum
Despite what I said about “Bigger Than My Body,” I don’t immediately like most John Mayer songs the first time I listen to them (including 3 of the top 4 songs on this list). The first time I heard “Waiting on the World to Change” I felt like I already knew where it fit into the rotation of my life, like when you get a new pair of pants and you think: “Yes, I will wear these pants now and I will wear them often.” But then you turn 13 and realize it’s not cool for guys to wear white sweatpants. Wait, what? The point is that every version I’ve heard of this song—the album version, the Village Sessions version with Ben Harper, and the Tribute to John Mayer instrumental version—all make me think happy thoughts.



7. Stitched Up w/Herbie Hancock, Possibilities
If I have one issue with Mayer’s sound, it’s that his voice is not particularly enjoyable all the time. He’s in tune, but sometimes you are reminded that he is what he is because of his songwriting and guitar. If you’ve ever felt that way, give the studio version of “Stitched Up” a listen. It’s a groovy song that builds and builds to the end, and Mayer’s voice is as clear as Crystal Pepsi. How DID they make that cola beverage clear anyway? (My guess? Science.)



6a. Stop This Train, Continuum
6b. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room, Continuum
I know it’s cheating to put two songs in one slot. I don’t really care, I'll give you your money back. Remember earlier when I gave you a math lesson, the one in which Mayer>Yanni? Here’s another one. Slow Dancing x Stop This Train = #6 (I AM SO CLEVER.) I really do like both songs individually, but I’m not sure if I would have put either song at number 6 by itself. They are back to back on Continuum and the moods of both songs are unique but they also do the same general thing, which is “punch me in the chest,” so listening to them together really heightens the feeling of both songs. There’s more sympathetic emotion in those 8 minutes than in my entire Gilmore Girls DVD Box Set.





5. 83, Room for Squares
The answer to “Stop This Train” even though it came out 5 years earlier: life is not going to slow down, but it’s been fun so stop complaining. At least that’s what I’m taking from it.



4. In Repair, Continuum
Mayer describes some of the lyrics of "In Repair" as expressing the idea of "sad hope" and that sounds about right to me. I saw a video about how this song was completely written in a day, which I think is pretty neat, but that is not--in itself--the reason why you should listen to this song. I think this is one of the few songs in which I liked it BEFORE I even heard it because of the lyrics.



3. Neon, Room for Squares
I drove up to Davis in early January 2002 and crawled straight into my bed, still feeling like a sack of potatoes because of some virus I contracted in Egypt a few days earlier. Dan came over to have us listen to some new guy named "John Myer" and I stayed in bed while he went up to Brian's room to play the album. All I could hear was the bass through Brian's floor/my ceiling, and it sounded good. I went upstairs to say hi and get the name of this song, but had to go back to bed because I was about to barf. I was spoiled and didn't even know it; just a few years later, when Brett and Criss moved into Brian's room, I had to listen to the bass line of Clay Aiken's "Invisible" about 40 times a day, and I think I have PTSD now.





2. Vultures, Continuum
When I was first heard Continuum (and Heavier Things, too), I was so disappointed. "Vultures" was one of the first songs I listened to, and I remember thinking: "Why would someone with so much talent play such a simple song?" The problem here was that I was expecting something. When I learned to just listen, "Vultures" became one of those songs that I can listen to at any time, one of those songs that you can turn way up or way down; something you can blast on the freeway because you want to sing falsetto (and it's dark outside so no one will see you), a song you can relax to at home, or the music you can play at some dinner party if you are so inclined. It's the Swiss Army Knife of songs.



1. Clarity, Heavier Things
Again, when I first put in this album the day it came out, I was...whatever the opposite of "blown away" is. Vacuumed? The second time I listened to it, though...it was like someone put eyeglasses on my ears so I could hear correctly (I could have used a hearing aid analogy there but all I thought of was "eyeglasses on my ears"). That's a weird phenomenon, right? When you hear a song or watch a movie or eat at a restaurant the second time, and it's just a kajillion times better then the first experience. So much for first impressions. Like with "Vultures," I feel that the second time is often way better than the first with something that you really like, but just don't know it yet, so you don't enjoy on first glance, but you revise your thoughts the second time because of you are familiar and ready now. That's my Second Encounter Revision Theory.

As for "Clarity", I still had to wait about a quarter of the way into the song on second listen when it all comes together before I said: "oh, I get it."



I hope John Mayer comes out in all white from behind some fog tonight!

Capture the Moment

So if you don't know already, I'm working on a documentary about Coptic Orthodox Chrisitian community in the United States. I have filmed a ton since last July and I'll continue to film until August. Not including interviews, I'll have around 150 hours of footage, which either seems like a lot to you (if you've never made a feature-length movie) or gives you the impression that I have no idea what I'm doing .

Wanna guess which comment I get the most from people about the doc? It's:

ANDREW ARE YOU FILMING THIS! YOU HAVE TO FILM THIS. YOU SHOULD TOTALLY FILM THIS. THIS IS HILARIOUS. ANDREW MAKE SURE YOU'RE FILMING THIS.