“Your Time has Come” by Andrew Ishak
Dear soon-to-be-daughter,
I am so excited to meet you! Mommy and I have been thinking about you for nine months, and we just can’t wait to hold you and kiss you and love you! 🙂 Today is Mommy’s due date, which means that you were supposed to come out today and warm our hearts with your presence, but since you didn’t come out, I guess that means you are already exercising your super cute rebellious spirit! :O I guess you get that from Daddy. But, My Little Princess, if there is one thing I could say to you today, it would be this:
Get out of my wife.
Seriously, this is ridiculous. The woman has given you shelter inside of her body for three quarters of a year, and the way you repay her is by…staying in there. Real classy. Do you think this is how it’s going to be for the rest of your life? You think you’ll be able to just hang out and do whatever you want, whenever you want? That’s not how life is. Most children, by age 2, are working at least 20 hours a week. Look it up on Wikipedia. If I’m lucky you’ll work 32 hours and you’ll get health benefits.
But the fact is that you’re not getting a jump on the rat race. You’re just hanging out, doing nothing, not making any money…where did you learn that from? Have you been listening to “The Hills” through your mom’s belly button? Don’t end up like LC or one of the other girls on that show; their lifestyles may look fun but nothing is more fun than working hard every day, coming home, and getting ready for work. See how much fun you have to look forward to? So get out of there already!
Nothing’s worse than when someone overstays their welcome. It’s like a terrible Owen Wilson movie, except you’re doing it in real life. Please, don’t be like Owen Wilson. You know who else overstayed their welcome? Dinosaurs. And look what happened to them.
Please, don’t be a dinosaur/Owen Wilson. Come out. I luv u! :^/
“Are You Kidding Me?”, by unborn baby
Hey Dad, I appreciate the letter, and I appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule reading about college football to write. So I guess I’d like to respond with what I think is a reasonable question:
ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME!?
Have you ever been in one of these things? It’s warm. It’s low-gravity. I don’t have to chew. This is it, life won’t get any better from this point on! This is the pinnacle of comfort! I’m gonna come out, some dude’s gonna slap my bottom, it’s gonna be cold warm cold warm cold warm, I’m gonna get soiled diapers, etcetera and so on. Would YOU come out? I mean I guess what I’m asking is
ARE YOU FREAKIN’ SERIOUS DAD!?
Okay, I get it, Mom’s tired and I have been here for a long time and blah blah blah ok I get it. Let me tell you something: I didn’t ask for this. This was completely your doing (don’t even try to blame Mom) and frankly I think I should have a little say in what goes on in my life. I keep hearing: “Well, the induce date is the 29th, so she’ll be out by then.” So to that I say NEGATIVE GHOSTRIDER. I’ll come out when I feel like it. This is a free country.
But let me go back to my original question for a minute: really, have you been in a situation like this? I mean you have to be able to relate to me. What’s that? You can’t relate? Well I know you’ve been somewhere like this, it’s called YOUR MOM’S UTERUS. Don’t act like you wouldn’t have stayed in a semi-conscious, Matrix-like state for the rest of your life if you got the chance. I know your due date was Christmas, you were 6 days late, and then you were induced–don’t act like I don’t know. I got the internet in here on my eyelids; that’s what happens when you install Wifi all over the condo and Mom practically balances the laptop on my face 3 hours a night. Yeah that’s right I have internet on my eyelids. I have everything I need in here and I’ll SEE YOU IN NOVEMBER, SUCKAS.
Gotta go, I have to update my 401K on E-Trade.