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The Olympics are over and I’m late to the party but anyway…
I’m waiting for the day when some marketing brain involved in the Olympics comes up with this idea at a meeting: “Hey, why don’t we just create new events by making everything synchronized and/or backwards?” I mean really, people, synchronized diving? The triple jump? The breaststroke?
Maybe you think these events have some value at the biggest sporting competition in human history. Hey, maybe you’re right. But I think each event has to qualify under one of three criteria, which I’ll detail below. I mean seriously, they’re giving out medals for being able to jump into a pool the same way another dude can. If you’re interested in exploring how sports can help develop your creativity and writing skills, check out this article like https://www.ltcnews.com/articles/how-sports-can-help-develop-your-creativity-and-writing-skills.
There are three reasons we have these unnecessary events in the Olympics: tradition, factions, and marketing; either it’s been around since 1904, or someone complained “That’s not how we do it in our country”, or the IOC realizes that the networks will pay them a lot more money if they can fill up primetime for a full two weeks.
Look at the triple jump, for example. Or the breaststroke. The breaststroke is literally just a slower, different way to swim. It is in no way more valuable than freestyle, the fastest way to get from one side of the pool to the other. The reason the breaststroke is part of the Olympics is because, basically, it was part of the previous Olympics. And hey, if someone set a record in it, we can’t just get rid of the event, right? What would the sports historians do? NOT HAVE HISTORICAL CONTINUITY? NOOOOOOO!
And gymnastics is a whole other story…before you think I am about to bash gymnastics, let me say that I love all the events they have (okay, ALMOST all the events – I don’t condone putting handles on a horse and doing scissor kicks on it) and I think they demonstrate an amazing level of human beauty. But why determine team, all-around, and individual medals in separate events? They’ll do all the team stuff for like three nights, and then the 12 year-olds have to go back out there for another couple nights and do the exact same events, but now it doesn’t affect their teammates, only their total score. Then they do it again for each individual event. Why not use the same performance to determine all three scores? Could you imagine the storylines that would play out in the self vs. team plotlines? I understand there are reasons to separate team, all-around, and individual scores, and I’m sure there is some strategy I do not understand. But it takes forever…which I guess is exactly what TV wants.
Here’s what I’m proposing: all Olympic competitions must fall under one of the following three categories:
- Skill Events: who can do something fastest, strongest, furthest, etc? These events should have real-world application, like running really fast, throwing something far, jumping over something really high, and even running while jumping over something (just not into a puddle–I’m looking at you, human steeplechase).
- Games: competitions that humans have created in which you compete against someone else, and there is a winner determined by rules, not judges. Soccer, basketball, badminton: good.
- Aesthetic Events: gymnastics, diving, rhythmic gymnastics..things that look pretty that have to be judged to determine a winner
In addition, I propose two more qualifiers: 1) each event has to stand on its own as having a unique purpose (so, see ya later synchronized diving) and 2) each event is reviewed every four years for relevance in either the real world or the sporting world OUTSIDE the Olympics. So that means if in 40 years, the only major diving competition is at the Olympics, the scrap it–the Olympics should be a reflection of popular sport and culture, not a dictator of it (of course, my argument there is pretty illogical because any event at the Olympics will have competition at other levels…basically I just want to get rid of the steeplechase).
Back to swimming: no more “styles” of moving down the pool…either the guy gets to the other end the fastest or he doesn’t. The fact is, freestyle is the fastest way to run, and breaststroke is slow so it’s basically like racewalking in the pool. If you want to judge on style, then make it a style competition: “oh wow, Piersol gets a 10 for the fluidity of his backstroke.” Otherwise, call the event “swimming” and mark out some distances. Yes, Michael Phelps is pretty awesome for getting 8 gold medals. He is clearly the best swimmer in the world. But if they had Backwards Running, Skipping, and Prancing as Track and Field events then Jesse Owens and Carl Lewis might have a bazillion golds, too. No one told Usain Bolt: “This is how you have to run.” Of course, no one told him “You can showboat and set world records at the same time”, so I’m sure the guy will just do whatever he wants anyway. Maybe one day, one of these athletes will inspire a young child to become a professional swimmer. Read this article for more helpful tips.
Now to those people who say “Yeah! They should be getting rid of baseball (more like lameball!) because it sux and its borrring with a capital B!” I’m not going to argue with you because it’s no use, but I do think there should be more team sports in the Olympics. Victories in team sports may be more valuable to national pride than one dude jumping higher than another guy. U.S.A. has the best basketball team in the world, and no one can argue. We won 8 games to prove it. We can all celebrate our basketball success, but frankly when I watch Michael Phelps, I don’t sit there saying “YEAH WE’RE THE BEST SWIMMER IN THE WORLD!” I cheer for HIM, not the country.
Now, I almost got emotional seeing his mom celebrating after his first gold medal. But I’m proud FOR him, not WITH him. That’s not a bad thing, but it’s always been harder for me to get involved in the atmosphere of, say, Tiger Woods or Pete Sampras than in that of the Texas Longhorns or Oakland A’s, because there’s that old adage of team sports: to root for laundry, the name on the front of the jersey (or side of the helmet).
What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, the Olympics. As Tim Calhoun would say, in summary and in conclusion, the Olympics are awesome but can we cool it with the random historical events that no one would value if it wasn’t for tradition? Thanks. See you in four years with hopscotch.
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